I thought the action scene was pretty awesome. The atmosphere, the actual action, the way he kept going back to Jessie's death were all great. I kind of got the context but it took a lot of thinking.
I think it doesn't need change. I think it needs a before scene. Something with the tension of the Ganymede protectorate hanging over their heads.
Glad you liked it! I try to dribble in my world-building during the story instead of doing a big exposition dump right at the start, so it requires a bit of patience and a bit of focus to catch the context and setting of the story as it unfolds. The Ganymede Protectorate will definitely feature more in following stories - there is a bigger, shared universe out there which contains this story plus (in the future) many others, and the full villainy of the Ganymede Protectorate will become very evident as that universe expands.
James, your strong suit is non-stop action. Lots going on!
I’d enjoy your story more if I could get a sense of who is fighting who and why. The spectacle is entertaining, though I’d like to care more about what happens to your characters. Non-stop action without much who or why isn’t satisfying. I want to care about what happens and I’m so numb from the insanity that, sadly, I don’t.
It’s ok to go a little slower for the emotional impact.
I do love my action sequences and faster pacing, yes, especially with short stories. My longer stories are quite the opposite, but I don’t have too many of them shared here yet.
How would you have done the pacing and emotional development different on this particular piece?
James, it looks like this is Kellian's story. Start with him and limit the number of characters to a bare minimum.
Try to answer these questions right away. It's a short story so you don't have a lot of time to do this. Keep it simple so people can pick it up and follow.
- Who is Kellian? - Military fighter pilot? Officer?
- Where is Kellian? He's on a ship but what ship? Who are they fighting and why?
- Give me something about Kellian's background to root for. Why should I care about him? Maybe he's a fifth generation pilot, maybe he has a wife and kids, maybe he's the last chance this outpost will survive. Maybe the enemy is a horrible group that's taking over the sector or planet or galaxy.
Make sure the story is told from Kellian's vantage point. If he's a pilot on one ship then limit the amount of chaos on all the other ships. A single guy in the middle of a battle only knows what's going on around him. He'll have limited information on the whole battle.
In short, narrow the focus to Kellian's experience and make it personal. Give me a reason to care about him and root for his success.
Thanks for the feedback. It was interesting for me to read through your points, although it left me with a strange feeling of deja vu: everything that you ask about here, has already been addressed in the story!
If I can go point by point:
Kellian is introduced as sitting in the weapons station of the skimmer, and spends the entire story there. He never does anything related to piloting, which is handled by Hardline (Lieutenant Harcken).
Kellian is on a skimmer, and I spend several paragraphs explaining what the dragonfly skimmers are, how they look, and how they function.
Their opponents are the Ganymede Protectorate, which gets introduced in the second sentence of the story. Subsequent mentions of the GP make it clear that they are invaders of great savagery (attacks that wipe out entire islands, slavery, etc).
Kellian’s background is also explained as the story unfolds. He’s a clone, part of a group of four, and is on the ship with the rest of his siblings. His reasons for fighting are very simple: his immediate family is in danger, and his entire world is also being invaded.
When you say to narrow the focus to just Kellian and make it personal: the entire story is already told from the perspective of just Kellian, and shows his emotions and experiences through it all. We never get into the heads of any of the other (4) characters that have speaking roles.
So I must admit that I am at a bit of loss here in terms of what you want me to change in the story. Everything that you have raised is clearly already present in the story.
James, every reader has their own experience when reading a writer's work and that's something the writer has no real control over. I read through your story quickly and did miss some of the details you mentioned. Sometimes things that are crystal clear to the author aren't for the reader. I've had this happen a number of times. Perhaps I'm also not your ideal reader?
I've learned a couple of things about feedback. Any given reader will say something different. Sometimes useful, sometimes not so much. As writers we can't take anything personally, it's just feedback, and it's best to look for patterns. If three people give the same feedback, it's probably an issue that needs to be addressed. If it's only one person, then we need to decide if we agree. Don't try to chase every comment and make every reader happy. That never ends well. If anything I said was helpful, great! If not, then throw it in the trash and don't look back. It's your story and you get to write it anyway you want!
I've found the best feedback is from professionals. I've done critique groups in the past with limited success. Now I pay for professional editing. If you really want solid feedback and you can afford it, a professional can give you far better advice on your writing than a roomful of other writers. Just to be clear, I have no other credentials than a guy who has spent a few years writing. I don't have an MFA, I'm not an editor, and I don't play one on TV either.
Keep looking for your ideal audience who love and get your work. Most importantly, keep writing!
100% agreed there, every reader takes away their own story from the text. As a writer, I do of course want people to take MY story from the text - but that’s the beauty of writing, people see different things in it.
I do absolutely appreciate your input though, it’s always nice to hear a new viewpoint (even if it does not align perfectly with mine). Our man Kellian will definitely show up in future stories, and then I’ll make sure to flesh out his background a bit more at that point.
I thought the action scene was pretty awesome. The atmosphere, the actual action, the way he kept going back to Jessie's death were all great. I kind of got the context but it took a lot of thinking.
I think it doesn't need change. I think it needs a before scene. Something with the tension of the Ganymede protectorate hanging over their heads.
Glad you liked it! I try to dribble in my world-building during the story instead of doing a big exposition dump right at the start, so it requires a bit of patience and a bit of focus to catch the context and setting of the story as it unfolds. The Ganymede Protectorate will definitely feature more in following stories - there is a bigger, shared universe out there which contains this story plus (in the future) many others, and the full villainy of the Ganymede Protectorate will become very evident as that universe expands.
I'm not crying, you're crying.
James, your strong suit is non-stop action. Lots going on!
I’d enjoy your story more if I could get a sense of who is fighting who and why. The spectacle is entertaining, though I’d like to care more about what happens to your characters. Non-stop action without much who or why isn’t satisfying. I want to care about what happens and I’m so numb from the insanity that, sadly, I don’t.
It’s ok to go a little slower for the emotional impact.
I do love my action sequences and faster pacing, yes, especially with short stories. My longer stories are quite the opposite, but I don’t have too many of them shared here yet.
How would you have done the pacing and emotional development different on this particular piece?
James, it looks like this is Kellian's story. Start with him and limit the number of characters to a bare minimum.
Try to answer these questions right away. It's a short story so you don't have a lot of time to do this. Keep it simple so people can pick it up and follow.
- Who is Kellian? - Military fighter pilot? Officer?
- Where is Kellian? He's on a ship but what ship? Who are they fighting and why?
- Give me something about Kellian's background to root for. Why should I care about him? Maybe he's a fifth generation pilot, maybe he has a wife and kids, maybe he's the last chance this outpost will survive. Maybe the enemy is a horrible group that's taking over the sector or planet or galaxy.
Make sure the story is told from Kellian's vantage point. If he's a pilot on one ship then limit the amount of chaos on all the other ships. A single guy in the middle of a battle only knows what's going on around him. He'll have limited information on the whole battle.
In short, narrow the focus to Kellian's experience and make it personal. Give me a reason to care about him and root for his success.
I hope this is helpful. Keep the stories coming!
Thanks for the feedback. It was interesting for me to read through your points, although it left me with a strange feeling of deja vu: everything that you ask about here, has already been addressed in the story!
If I can go point by point:
Kellian is introduced as sitting in the weapons station of the skimmer, and spends the entire story there. He never does anything related to piloting, which is handled by Hardline (Lieutenant Harcken).
Kellian is on a skimmer, and I spend several paragraphs explaining what the dragonfly skimmers are, how they look, and how they function.
Their opponents are the Ganymede Protectorate, which gets introduced in the second sentence of the story. Subsequent mentions of the GP make it clear that they are invaders of great savagery (attacks that wipe out entire islands, slavery, etc).
Kellian’s background is also explained as the story unfolds. He’s a clone, part of a group of four, and is on the ship with the rest of his siblings. His reasons for fighting are very simple: his immediate family is in danger, and his entire world is also being invaded.
When you say to narrow the focus to just Kellian and make it personal: the entire story is already told from the perspective of just Kellian, and shows his emotions and experiences through it all. We never get into the heads of any of the other (4) characters that have speaking roles.
So I must admit that I am at a bit of loss here in terms of what you want me to change in the story. Everything that you have raised is clearly already present in the story.
James, every reader has their own experience when reading a writer's work and that's something the writer has no real control over. I read through your story quickly and did miss some of the details you mentioned. Sometimes things that are crystal clear to the author aren't for the reader. I've had this happen a number of times. Perhaps I'm also not your ideal reader?
I've learned a couple of things about feedback. Any given reader will say something different. Sometimes useful, sometimes not so much. As writers we can't take anything personally, it's just feedback, and it's best to look for patterns. If three people give the same feedback, it's probably an issue that needs to be addressed. If it's only one person, then we need to decide if we agree. Don't try to chase every comment and make every reader happy. That never ends well. If anything I said was helpful, great! If not, then throw it in the trash and don't look back. It's your story and you get to write it anyway you want!
I've found the best feedback is from professionals. I've done critique groups in the past with limited success. Now I pay for professional editing. If you really want solid feedback and you can afford it, a professional can give you far better advice on your writing than a roomful of other writers. Just to be clear, I have no other credentials than a guy who has spent a few years writing. I don't have an MFA, I'm not an editor, and I don't play one on TV either.
Keep looking for your ideal audience who love and get your work. Most importantly, keep writing!
100% agreed there, every reader takes away their own story from the text. As a writer, I do of course want people to take MY story from the text - but that’s the beauty of writing, people see different things in it.
I do absolutely appreciate your input though, it’s always nice to hear a new viewpoint (even if it does not align perfectly with mine). Our man Kellian will definitely show up in future stories, and then I’ll make sure to flesh out his background a bit more at that point.